Would You Hire Me?

Let’s say I apply for a job as the Chief of Police in your town.  You’re sitting on the committe that is screening and interviewing candidates for the job.  You like me during the initial interview.

You accept my application and resume, in which I state that I attended two different universities and graduated with a BA and an MA in Criminal Justice.  I claim to have worked in certain cities and counties as a cop at certain ranks and assignments.  You need to verify a few things before you seriously consider my application to run your police department.  Naturally, you ask me for my bona fides, my credentials and references.  Chief of Police is a very important position:

1)  High School Diploma and transcripts - I refuse to provide them for you.

2)  College Transcripts – I refuse to give them to you and tell you that my college records are all sealed by Court Orders.

3)  My Master’s Thesis – I refuse to give it to you.  It’s sealed, too.

4)  My Medical Records – You can’t have those either.  Locked by Court Orders.

5)  Prior Employment Records – No, you can’t see those.  Sorry.  Sealed.

6)  Any Name Change Records – Sorry.  That’s not available either.

7)  Social Security Number – You want to know why I’m using a Florida Social Security Number when I never lived there.  The number was originally issued to a Florida man who was born in the late 1800s, he died years ago, and  I’ve lived in Colorado all my life.  I refuse to answer the question.

8)  Proof of Citizenship – I tell you to go to a computer website, where you can look at an image of a short form Birth Certificate.  There’s a smiley face inside the certification stamp and a misspelled word.  You ask for an explanation.  I refuse to answer the question.

9)  Original Long Form Birth Certificate – After telling you for several weeks that there isn’t one, I present another computer generated document that’s been assembled piecemeal from several other computer generated documents.

10)  My Selective Service Registration Records – The Director of the Selective Service presents a copy of a registration card that’s been altered.  The Postal Service Stamp used to verify my date of registration is not valid. I refuse to answer any questions about that.

11)  When asked during the background questioning, I claim to have traveled to a country where Americans were not supposed to go, during my college years.  You ask to see my passport records, because you want to verify that I used an American Passport.  I tell you that those records are also sealed and  you can’t look at them.

12  You begin your background check to make sure that I lived in the places I said I lived during certain years.  You find evidence that those claims are refuted by documented records of residence elsewhere.

13)  During the background check, you ask me if I’ve ever used any names other than John L. Work.  I answer in the negative.  You find three other names associated with my Social Security and foreign elementary school records.  I refuse to answer your questions and tell you that all those records are sealed.

14)  On my resume, I claim to have lived in a foreign country for several years and attended schools there that only allow citizens of that nation to register and study therein.  You ask for my repatriation records.  I refuse to give you that information and tell you it’s all sealed by Court Orders.

15)  Your background investigator turns up a public relations document I used for sixteen years which shows I claimed to have been born overseas.  I refuse to answer any questions about that.

So, would you hire me?  If your answer is, No, then why would you hire this guy?

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